She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
