Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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