I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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