she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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