Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
