I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
