every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
