We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
