I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Sober January is a disaster.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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