just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
