Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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