Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
