I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
