i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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