He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
