There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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