Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
