I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
