i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you didnt know i had herpes?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
