omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
