how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
