ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
