The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
