Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
