why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
