The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
