I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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