Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
