I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
