god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
