matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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