so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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