ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
