I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
