I intend to get homeless drunk
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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