Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
