Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
