ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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