i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
