The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
