He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize