my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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