She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
