All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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