mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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