Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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