I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Panties = found
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