All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
