Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
