I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's never too late to be topless.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
