my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
