my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
