i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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