i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
